© Elliot Essman 2005. All rights reserved.

These pages contain the complete text of Human Action, public speaking trainer Elliot Essman's philosophy of human achievement.

Elliot Essman Public Speaking Training
Human Action Table of Contents
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We have such a tendency not to control our actions when faced with an initial attraction to someone that I submit we almost never run the risk of being too deliberate about our feelings. We're not talking about becoming perfectionists. That's an entirely different distortion of the human desire to love. Jumping in too quickly is a much more common problem. A little bit of deliberate, left-brain thinking can really help. To do that thinking, we have to seek a state of detachment, which requires Positive Matrix Interrupt and is, in fact, a state of Shock.

One of the methods we can use to insert an interrupt into habitual behavior patterns in this dangerous area is to simply keep contacts short and minimal. Keep the first date short, wait a week at least before the second date, and keep your social options open. The worst scenario is that first date that stretches into the wee hours of the morning, and then you see each other the next afternoon. We have a tendency not to think when we engage in activities that could lead to love—precisely when we most desperately need to give ourselves time and perspective to think.

Sex is a strong motivator here. The final chapter of this book is devoted to it. But we'll let loose a preliminary thought about sex now. Here's where the confusion sets in. In a relationship, you need sex first, but you don't need it most.

In a great relationship, you're likely to have great sex because everything else clicks. But ultimately, sex isn't the most important factor in the relationship. In the beginning, because of attraction and what I call the pose/poise factor, sex takes on a larger role. We're talking about a very strong urge here. When we are faced with this urge, especially when attraction to someone brings it to the front, we have to be careful.

It is precisely because most of us shy away from casual sex that we have to be careful. Because we need the sex, the holding, the touching, the feeling of instant security and validation, we often convince ourselves we care about the other person. The sex is no longer casual and so it's okay. But who is kidding whom? Often we just become attached to the other person. The other person is not who we are really looking for. Real communication never even begins. We begin to play out a painful, repetitive scenario that can take years before it fizzles out in misery. So considering this, it is crucially important to step back and think.

You do your stepping back one incident at a time. You train yourself and free yourself from habit in bite sized bits. But you can do it. The reward, having that feeling all the time, is worth all the work.

In previous generations, marriages of young people were arranged by older people. Many times, the arranged marriages worked out well. The older people had perspective, perhaps wisdom, and they weren't blinded by young love or raging hormones. We no longer have the option of arranged marriage, or do we? You can arrange your own marriage or relationship by learning to step away from yourself for a while. It involves pushing that feeling away at first so you can have more of it later. It involves moving your desire to love and be loved to a higher, more civilized plane, all based on personal progress and Trope.

Exercise: Delaying Gratification

Go to a good restaurant, alone, and order a meal. Make sure you're nice and hungry. When the food comes, don't begin to eat for at least five minutes. During this training time, concentrate on “love temptations” in your past that might have been similar to the food temptation you now have in front of you. If you do this exercise often, you'll begin to train your delaying reflex and gain good perspective on what you really want.