© Elliot Essman 2005. All rights reserved.

These pages contain the complete text of Human Action, public speaking trainer Elliot Essman's philosophy of human achievement.

Elliot Essman Public Speaking Training
Human Action Table of Contents
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People who relate to each other have to talk the same language. They need to be on the same or similar intellectual level. In the beginning, sexual or emotional drives may hide the fact that one of the partners has much more education or is much more intelligent (these aren't always combined) that the other. Sooner or later, when the initial glow wears off, the communication stops. Common mind values and thinking habits are important. That doesn't mean the two of you are clones. You may differ widely. But you share basic values.

Another basic in a relationship is interest in sex. The sex drive merits respect. If one partner wants sex every day and the other only needs it every two weeks, you will have serious problems. All the love, all the romance in the world won't solve a problem as basic as this. If you are driven by sex, by all means please seek a partner who shares that drive. If sex is less important or you need it less frequently than many other people, look for someone on the same wavelength.

Emotional profiles also fit into the basic camp. If you are reserved you should not couple with a person who is very emotionally expressive. You'll drive each other nuts.

Of course, there are gray areas for all value comparisons. You will never match another person exactly. But beware of the polar opposite, even if that person seems intriguing, even exotic. To be in love you need a soul mate, not an adversary.

Many values that you want to share with your potential partner will be harder to identify than the three basic areas covered above. Sexual, emotional and intellectual sharing is pretty much essential for any pair of human beings. Whether or not you must share other values to get along depends on how important those values are to either or both of you. You will step back from potential relationships, Shock yourself out of patterns that can cause you to link with the wrong people, and discover in yourself a new ability to sort the important from the not so important. You lose when you confuse either for the other.

So you want someone who likes sports and shares your spiritual interests? Couldn't you really do without the interest in sports? Isn't your spiritual life more important?

Exercise: Finding Basic Kinetic Compatibility

It's time to question your premises. You may have a whole laundry list of little items you would love to find in an ideal partner. It's great if they like the same movies and feel the same way about Chinese food. As an exercise, take a moment to write down ten to twenty external attributes of your ideal partner. These will not be basic items (like “wants children”). These will all be items you would like to have but could conceivably do without.

Remember, you need to satisfy at least some of these items even if no one item is absolute. Just counting things in common with someone else will not make you compatible. But you do need to have something in common. However, it's rare for people who share basic values to have nothing in common.

You've written down the little things for you, now make a smaller list of the six to ten items that you just cannot move on. Some examples: “wants/likes children (or the opposite),” “similar drinking (or non-drinking) habits,” “professional person,” “similar ethnic background,” “committed to personal growth,” “politically aware,” etc.

Look at the two lists side by side. Ask yourself this: have you ever glossed over something truly important for you in favor for something you wanted but that was less important according to this analysis? Can you learn more about what is really important to you, and, if so, how?

Getting out of a static box demands that you separate what you would like from what you cannot do without. If you are committed to psychotherapy as a basic life choice, for example, you would be wise to hook up with someone with similar feelings or at least a high degree of tolerance for your priorities and point of view. It's okay if they like a different type of music. If you are deeply religious you'd better take that into account. If you are a committed marathon runner with the training that entails, you'd probably be better off with another runner. If you just like to jog, you may get along with someone who does not. If you are a single parent, you can't afford to be with someone who is ambivalent about children. The list can go on and on. You've got to learn what you really need, and refuse to be seduced by external commonalities that are really not crucial.

When you succeed at relegating things you once thought important to the “want but not need” category, you open up a wider universe for dating and love seeking. You can then concentrate on what really is important.

Finding emotional, sexual and intellectual commonalities is not that difficult. Sifting out the important values for you is a little harder, and matching those important values with someone else's values is harder still. But the hardest part of finding a love comes when you try to tie it all together. Nothing else matters if the other person doesn't want the same level of commitment as you. If so, it won't always be obvious. Many people might want to have a relationship with you without that one critical final step. Some of them may fulfill all the other criteria except one. But that one criterion is an absolute. It is impossible to have a committed relationship with someone if that someone doesn't want the same level of commitment with you. If you have commitment problems with somebody, face it: you may be with the wrong somebody. And here's where your Shock comes in. The Shock calls for putting all your love and hopes on a shelf and looking at the situation with a clear head. Only if your head is clear of all habitual matrix thinking can you decide if the commitment problems are normal (which means they can be worked out), or if they go deeper. Here are some clues that they go deeper:

• It should be obvious, but if the other person tells you they are afraid of commitment, or not just ready, or something similar, even if they seem to be joking, take them seriously.

• If they are awash in personal problems, it's not your responsibility.

• If they are still hurting from a previous relationship, especially if they talk about it all the time, this is a real danger signal that you may be in a no-win situation. This is especially true of they seem to blame the previous partner for everything that went wrong. If they still have involvement with the ex-partner, watch out.

• If they criticize your gender, you can be sure that they include you personally in the criticism, even if they seem to be joking.