© Elliot Essman 2005. All rights reserved.

These pages contain the complete text of Human Action, public speaking trainer Elliot Essman's philosophy of human achievement.

Elliot Essman Public Speaking Training
Human Action Table of Contents
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For perspective, let's begin with the damaging, static alternative. I don't remember where, but I've heard or read this in several different places. Two people couple, become familiar, and familiarity breeds contempt. They each come to detest those aspects of each other that once thrilled them. She used to love his spontaneity, but now she sees it as unreliability. Her intelligence used to amuse him and now it threatens him and wears him down.

Familiarity breeds contempt because the people don't change kinetically. They have stopped growing. Or, because of lack of communication, they have grown apart. Yes, human change can make a relationship untenable despite the best of efforts. A perfect example is if one person slowly comes to the realization that he or she does not want children and the other person, for whatever reason, remains child-centered. There's no right or wrong here. The tragedy is that many people are split apart because of less weighty differences: they drift apart because the kinetic energy drains out. With the kinetic energy gone, small differences seem insurmountable. Tiny things become non-negotiable.

Conventional wisdom tells us that marriage isn't all thrills. There will be boring points where the two of you, for the sake of the marriage, just plug away at living the everyday life. Every now and then you'll have wonderful moments of intimacy and reflection on the love that grows because of all this patience and perseverance.

Conventional wisdom also tells us that we must air all our grievances. Arguments can only help and strengthen the marriage.

Forget the conventional wisdom. It's all based on static concepts that shortchange the human ability to create something out of nothing. Trans-Biological Kinesis is in essence an optimistic philosophy that refuses to accept such limitations. The two of you don't have to compromise when it comes to that feeling. You can keep giving love and building love. Together you can perform Positive Matrix Interrupt whenever you come across an impasse or potential dull spot. You are motivated to do the Positive Matrix Interrupt because your are in love and want to build your love. It's part of your Kinetic Human Core. Sometimes separately, sometimes together, because you are both motivated and in touch with the Kinetic Human Core, you inject Shock and create Trope. There is no reason for you to ever have a dull moment. Love is not a dull thing.

Now that we've shattered the conventional (and pessimistic) notion of the dullness of life, let's talk about conflict. Sometimes grievances and conflicts need to be expressed. But to say that a couple has to argue for some sort of emotional catharsis to occur is shortchanging the human spirit. Once again it's a matter of priorities.

Have you ever been very upset about something so that you paced the room and lost sleep? Have you ever had a time when you remembered how upset you had been in the past, but for the life of you couldn't remember why you had been upset? Many times, we get upset about things that ultimately are of little importance. We blow tiny things way out of proportion. If these are marital issues, is airing them in emotional tones really productive? Of course not.

Basic, non-negotiable issues, like having children, need to be discussed. Even then, they need to be discussed calmly, without resentment. It's simply a matter of making the choice to rise out of a static habitual box. You can choose to discuss important matters rather than argue them out. You can choose to diffuse a problem rather than letting it fester. It's all a matter of Shock and Trope spurred on by the Kinetic Human Core.

You can even choose to reverse the “familiarity breeds contempt” formula. Instead of becoming irritated at the things you started out liking about the other person, you can come to like (or certainly not be bothered by), the things that initially annoyed you about that person you love. Instead of complaining that he or she left the cap off the toothpaste, you can simply and quietly screw it back on and then flatten out the tube. You can even go further: you can leave the cap off entirely.

Let's say you are more organized than the other person, while the other person is more intuitive than you. You are intellectual equals and all other compatibility factors are in place. Initially you each like the other trait since it challenged you. In a static relationship, sooner or later you will each grate upon the other. What was once a minor issue because a major wedge between you. You stay awake at night dreaming of the bliss of being married to someone as organized as you. Your partner has similar fantasies. It doesn't have to be this way. Each of you—both of you together—can choose, on the basis of love and fundamental compatibility, to get the greatest possible benefit from the other's traits. You can choose to see the traits as complementary rather than antagonistic. You start out loving the other person, and you can come to love them more when you dig deep inside the qualities that make them different from you. You will never find a clone, and you might not like one if you did find one.

One of the major Shocks both of you must accomplish in order to make conscious, effective choices is to be less judgmental. Exercising mature judgment is fine, but being judgmental is a static box. Usually the judgment is that your way is right and the other person's way is wrong. If you find yourself thinking this way, it's time to check your premises.

Of course, this kind of kinetic awareness and adjustment takes two. If one person is totally self-centered, no amount of kinesis on the part of the other person is going to help. But if you've done your homework as far as finding a love goes, you should end up with a strategic ally, and not just a roommate. Strategic allies have problems to be sure, but instead of resolving problems, they dissolve problems. If you get a good start and keep injecting kinesis into the relationship, you can grind most conflicts and problems to dust. And you can have that feeling all the time.