© Elliot Essman 2005. All rights reserved.

These pages contain the complete 2005 revised text of Building Yourself, public speaking trainer Elliot Essman's guide to living the successful life.

Elliot Essman Public Speaking Training
Building Yourself Table of Contents
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• Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

Imagine (if you're not one already) that you're a teenager. You need twenty dollars and the keys to the car for tonight. Do you think your parents are going to anticipate this need?

No one thinks with your brain. No one anticipates your needs and desires. You must ask. And ask again.

The Ask Equation has several important elements. First, you must know what you're asking for. Your goals must be clear. Second, you must know yourself. You must have a clear idea of how you'll act and react if you don't get what you're asking for. Third, you must understand the perspective and needs of the person being asked. How will what you're asking for benefit that person? How will you motivate that person to say “yes?” Fourth, and most important, you must articulate what you're asking for so the other person understands what you want. Finally, you need to find the right forum for the act of asking, the right time, mood and place.

Asking can take many forms. Perhaps you want to be a trusted advisor in a political campaign. It might not be enough simply to ask the politician's campaign manager. “That's fine,” you'll be told, “but why should we take you on?” If you show an exhaustive understanding of the political campaign, if you do the many hours of preparation to develop a full command of the issues and personalities of the campaign, if you get that across when you ask, you'll receive a quick “yes.”

You can ask by showing, by example, by acts of leadership. The military commander who leads troops into battle uses actions rather than words to ask them to follow. The troops will follow more readily than if they had simply been asked, or even ordered to attack.

Timing is important. The teenager who needs those car keys can attest to that. Choosing proper timing is not difficult if you develop the skill of projecting yourself into the mind of the person being asked. No time is perfect, but there will be times when the person will be more receptive, less distracted, more open to you. In some situations you may also have to wait until you have more ammunition or credentials before the time for asking will be ripe. But watch it, there is always a danger in waiting, the danger of the waiting becoming permanent and the asking never happening.

In analyzing the Ask Equation, we deal with the larger subject of getting people to do things. We've already discussed how other people, with their own agendas, are not oriented toward doing what you want them to do. They have to be led, drawn or coaxed into a position where they'll agree with your request.

But be sure of this—you will be rejected many times when you ask. Rejection is a killer, isn't it? But don't let memory of past rejection or fear of future rejection cause you to shy away from asking. No one likes being rejected. But think of the price of not asking. Obscurity and failure. Wanting but never having. Withering on the vine of life. The sting of a little rejection seems a fair exchange. We grow through adversity.

A word on shyness is in order here. Does shyness connote an elevated spiritual position? Is shyness somehow charming? Rubbish. Shyness is the product of a self‑absorbed state. It's self indulgence plain and simple. The shy person fails to contribute to the great conversation of life! Whatever talents, thoughts or opinions the shy person may have are selfishly locked inside. It's no wonder that the world of the un‑shy doesn't mystically anticipate the needs and desires of the shy person and alter itself accordingly. Shy people are filled with unexpressed desires, dreams that slip by, plans that fall short. Is this an honest way to live? Shyness is a self-absorbed and self-hating way of life.

As we've seen, ASK, the powerful three letter word, brings on questions of interpersonal relations, your own personal motivation, your own self esteem. To begin the process, you must ask yourself for the desired result. If you find you have the courage to ask something of yourself and give yourself back an unqualified yes, you've already taken the most important step toward getting what you want and deserve.