© Elliot Essman 2005. All rights reserved.

These pages contain the complete 2005 revised text of Building Yourself, public speaking trainer Elliot Essman's guide to living the successful life.

Elliot Essman Public Speaking Training
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• Matrimony—the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. Heinrich Heine (1797–1856)

Choosing a marriage partner has all the same dangers as choosing a business partner, with one added danger. It's called “lust.” Now don't go looking up the word in the dictionary. It's one of those words you have to experience before you can understand it.

Yes, a part of lust is the sexual urge. But lust is more than the sexual urge. Lust is an impulsion to abandon the world of clear thinking and reason and act spontaneously. In a well‑ba­lanced life, some lusts should be let loose while others need to be re‑channeled. It's one thing if you spend the night out on the town and pay for it the next morning with a bad hangover. It's another thing to pay for your lusts with a miserable marriage to someone you don't even want to talk to. Nothing zaps your ability to think straight more than lust.

Is that all? you ask. No, it's not all. Remember, there are two people involved. What the other person says, feels, thinks and does can also be colored by lust. If so, the other person might put pressure on you. The other person might have seductive skills that can cloud your judgment. This is getting kind of complicated, isn't it?

I'm not trying to be negative here. If anything, I'm assum­ing that the care you exercise to avoid a bad marriage will lead you to a good one. If you misjudge and marry Mr. or Ms. Wrong, that leaves Mr. or Ms. Right out in the cold waiting for you.

Lust is unfortunate. Not only does it obscure love, but it fades sooner or later. Often the ridiculous process of planning an elaborate wedding is enough to kill it. And then where are you? On the other hand, if you really love someone, if you two are really compatible, then the lust and zip will last a good deal longer. Keep lust in its proper place.